Happy one year anniversary to what is the meeting of (great) undead minds and great South African clans. We’ve had the sincere privilege of covering 47 clans in the last year, with our very first clan featured being High 5 (who have featured twice), followed by clans on Xbox 360, PS3 and PC. Undead Ed has met and eaten so many feisty, competitive gamers he has decided that come the zombie apocalypse, the rest of us get first choice.
We wanted to celebrate this milestone in a rather special way, and being the modest, pretty bashful bunch we are around here, we decided it was time to expose the world to one of the oldest clans on Xbox 360. It just so happens to be the clan I am the head honcho, big cheese, main enchilada, greatest, most important and sexiest member of. It’s also most likely a clan that not as many as we’d like to think know of, so allow us to introduce ourselves to you. We are OAP, and we’re old.
Five years old this year, to be exact. We formed after we discovered how brilliant we were at making other players look good. The decision was most likely also heavily influenced by alcohol. The truth of the formation of OAP will remain a dirty little secret, but the “official” line is that myself (known as dreddsix6six back then) and Bokka1 (known as “young” Bokka back then) met at an Xbox 360 forum and hit it off straight away. Odd, considering he drank brandy and I drank the infinitely classier Black Label. Beer. Agreeing that “most current clans don’t want their dads playing with them”, we struck out searching for others who matched our strict entry criteria and ability to play games with one hand while holding a drink in the other. Strangely we discovered that the majority capable of doing so were politely called “seniors” and that they were almost as likely to claim pension twenty years before the gamers they were playing against. Like I said, we’re OAP, and we’re old.
In fact, if it wasn’t for the fact that we hired in a few “young guns” to actually play properly and pour our drinks, we’d be averaging around 37 – and we ain’t talking kills per round. We are not to be taken seriously, and we are born from the community and will support the community – even if it means we make you have a good time while we play like headless chickens. Our legacy will be nurses, the old age asylum and it’s “pillow” room, sponge baths, drunk Battlefield, Gears Tuesdays, regular accidental team killing, and the ability to have a good time. We are OAP. You may think we’re Omega Assault Plan, but really, we’re Old Age Pensioners…
Describe OAP in one word…
FiveStar ZA: OAwesomeP!
PorkyKondom ZA: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Sil3nt eck0: SexyAwesomeDirtyPerverts
spiros za: WeDontGiveAShit
Styx ZA: Incestuous
Who’s the sexiest member of the clan? There is only one correct answer…
Bokka1: I have been voted the sexiest clan member above 40 for the last 3 years….
FiveStar ZA: Bokka – shirtless, glinting in the sunlight, brandy in hand…
[OAP fact. Mr. Dizzy is a bit of a heart throb. You may know him from some TV stuff. Heck, if any of us had been on TV, we’re pretty sure our hotness would increase exponentially too…]
krYtHan7: Of course it would be me. The others will say something different but we all know I look good in women’s clothing. Haha, see how it bites you all in the arse now!
MashBoxG2E: Clint O’Bryan
Poorie: I am contractually obliged to say bypr0duct’s chubby bum.
PorkyKondom ZA: Dion [Bokka]. Hands down everyone’s inspiration!
PottyZA: That’s a difficult one… I’d say Zombie Dredd. Decaying flesh is such a turn on.
Rooiwraak: Bokka. He is the only one of us that probably wears shirts with buttons and sleeves to work…
SauRon: I don’t think we’ve recruited that one yet…
Sil3nt eck0: Bokka1 – He is such a tease with those lovely blue eyes.
Smurf za: In our own minds we all are.
spiros za: Potty, so young and innocent…
StuntZA: Jarrod [Styx ZA], there’s something about short, hairy men.
Styx ZA: I plead the 5th.
[*sniff* Shambles off to cry. On my own.]
Drink of choice? Because no game is complete without…
FiveStar ZA: Beer!
FizzyDizzy: Beer or Wine. Wine is for the nights that I want to play like a sir.
krYtHan7: I’m torn between Ardbeg Uigeadail and Old Pulteney 20Yr. I have culture unlike the rest of these cretins with their Carling Black Labels or Brandies and Coke.
PorkyKondom ZA: Any pink drink!
PottyZA: Vodka, with whatever I can find to mix in with it. Just a word of warning: Don’t mix vodka with brandy… It doesn’t end well. [It should be pointed out that as the only member under twenty, a year back he shouldn’t have answered this question. In fact his answer should’ve read: “whatever sir wants…”]
Rooiwraak: Red Heart, because no man is complete without it.
SauRon: Coffee Tequila.
Sil3nt eck0: Whisky!
Smurf za: Beer. The breakfast of champions.
spiros za: Beer, beer, BEER! (Darling breweries beer comes to mind).
Styx ZA: Whiskey. Drunk from the skulls of all our conquered enemies mwuhahahaha. Or administered intravenously by the night nurse.
Clan game of choice?
Bokka1: Any game that allows us to go for a drinks top up and a pee between matches.
FiveStar ZA: Battlefield, or any lobby that Stunt is raging in – the heart warms while the ears bleed.
FizzyDizzy: Gears, Battlefield, Forza. I’m still trying to convince them that Halo is fun.
krYtHan7: Red Dead Redemption without a doubt. Headshotting a clan member’s horse never got old. [He means filling an ass with lead…]
MashBoxG2E: Gears of Battle.
Poorie: Gears of War 2, execution with a dead man’s lobby.
PorkyKondom ZA: Gears of War!
PottyZA: We play games? Oh, right. It would probably have to be Gears of War, but I don’t think any of us have actually played it in ages.
Rooiwraak: I wish someone would tell me??!!!
Sil3nt eck0: We are not fussy, but Gears of War has always been a winner.
Smurf za: Any, but Gears is better than most.
spiros za: We game together?! I must’ve missed that memo!
Styx ZA: Drinking.
Favourite moment in your time in OAP?
Bokka1: When I won my first “Sexiest clan member above 40” award.
FiveStar ZA: The time Chris and Dion strapped a sheep to a pole and cooked it slowly. Also winning a match in a tournament and getting kakked out for breaking an epic losing streak.
FizzyDizzy: Every time we have a “social” in Cape Town. Don’t know if it’s fun just because I’m in Cape Town or the people I’m with.
krYtHan7: Meeting a couple of the guys when I came back to SA on holiday. That was good fun. I remember something about a beer pie. Was it a beer pie? [No. It was roofies]
MashBoxG2E: The day I got to meet everyone and spend time with the guys and families. And that time we shot the people. Good times.
Poorie: I love all the awesome social events that are organised, but one moment stands out slightly above the rest: Drinking heavily Irish coffee with bypr0duct at bokka1’s house after a braai; everybody else had left, and bokka1 was sleeping at his kitchen table.
PorkyKondom ZA: Getting a hug from Clinton [Was almost my favourite time too…]
PottyZA: That one time, in band camp, when Zombie Dredd actually played a game with us. It was great until he left the game and we never saw him online ever again…
Rooiwraak: When PP [Pillow Patrol…] kicked ass in Battlefield, and then lost.
SauRon: Simon [PorkyKondom ZA] trying to hump me.
Sil3nt eck0: The meet up in Cape Town where I got the opportunity to touch everyone, and vice versa. In games, it is also awesome fun stealing peoples loot and fucking up peoples missions
Smurf za: My first Tuesday Gears game with the clan and of course the countless tournaments we have won.
spiros za: First time I actually met everyone on a cold wet evening in June at Dion’s (Bokka1) house. Damn we drank a lot.
StuntZA: Forza Cat’n’Mouse nights and Farcry 2 Flamethrower nights!
Styx ZA: This one time, at band camp….. I remember this one time I was fondled inappropriately. Oh wait that is everyday…..
Is the socialising more important than the gaming?
Bokka1: Gaming is socialising.
FiveStar ZA: They go together, like a horse and marriage.
FizzyDizzy: Well playing games to me is socialising. It’s a way to relax and to interact with people from all walks of life.
krYtHan7: I don’t think you can actually separate the two. We are socialising whether we are in person or not… if that didn’t move you, then you are all dead to me…
MashBoxG2E: It’s that our socialising has become the game.
Poorie: Equally important; they are not mutually exclusive.
PorkyKondom ZA: Yup. These days anyway.
PottyZA: Why not both? Socialising fits in so well with gaming.
SauRon: Being social while gaming is where it’s at. That’s the ethos of OAP, striking a balance.
Sil3nt eck0: Definitely, but doing both at the same time blows minds.
Smurf za: Definitely. Without it we would be a bunch of sick old people playing games on their TVs.
spiros za: To be honest, I think OAP socializes more than game together these days! I wouldn’t have it any other way though.
StuntZA: Definitely, the kak talk is my primary reason for loving OAP.
Styx ZA: I find it hard to differentiate the 2. We socialise because gaming brought us together, and we game together because we enjoy socialising.
Why do you enjoy staying with the rest of the reprobates in the clan? They’re all a bunch of losers surely?
Bokka1: I don’t want to be here with these losers.
All I said was: “I want to go for a pee” but they heard: “I want to be in OAP”
FiveStar ZA: They just, like, you know, “get me”… and the man-love, the plentiful, sincere man-love.
FizzyDizzy: They might be losers but they are my losers. Think the main reason is the mutual respect we have for each other and that we all have things in common: Gaming, woman, drinking and age.
krYtHan7: I’ve been wanting to leave for ages but those nurses… those damned nurses.
MashBoxG2E: I don’t know what reprobates means. Is that Bates [SauRon] reproducing? In our hearts we are winning at life… kind of. But not really.
Poorie: The humour the group provides one another never seems to end.
PorkyKondom ZA: Well, you don’t feel like such a loser anymore yourself, oh, and it is awesome to borrow games from clan mates.
PottyZA: Correction: A bunch of OLD, SEXY losers. I’d say it’s because everyone is awesome and … other stuff.
Rooiwraak: They seem to know a lot about PC’s and other useful things, like how do meet chicks and alienate them…
SauRon: Best demographic of different people you could ever put together. We have them ALL and even with a little bit of figthing there is still a hell of a lot of love to go around. I have never seen a group of people stick together and help each other like OAP does. One would think everyone was getting paid to be nice to each other.
Sil3nt eck0: They are the most welcoming and fun people around. All different people, but at the same time all like-minded. I would rather be a loser with them than a winner somewhere else.
Smurf za: Great company and some exceptional individuals.
spiros za: They are all awesome people that I’ve come to call mates more than clannies. Losers they are indeed but they are my losers
StuntZA: The SEXY times and their character, we’re the most racially diverse, racist perverts and I love it!
Styx ZA: Around these nutjobs I feel supremely normal.
If OAP wasn’t a gaming clan, it would be…
Bokka1: A beer and braai clan.
FiveStar ZA: A drinking club who won medals for talking kak.
FizzyDizzy: Pimps of the old age homes.
krYtHan7: Working on stage. Vaudeville to be exact.
MashBoxG2E: a bunch of tranvestite singers. So Queen.
Poorie: an alcoholic support group.
PorkyKondom ZA: The new name for Ben-Gay cream.
PottyZA: Having an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting inside a closet.
Rooiwraak: A forgotten chapter off the Bible, just after revelations…
SauRon: A “revue bar”.
Sil3nt eck0: A world renowned choir.
Smurf za: Leaders of the new world. A Zombie state of course.
spiros za: The opening show for Chippendales.
StuntZA: A household brand.
Styx ZA: A brothel.
War movie that best describes the clan – Platoon or Tropic Thunder?
Bokka1: Anal Thunder.
FiveStar ZA: Tropic Thunder.
FizzyDizzy: Tropic Thunder. Because the team captain THINKS his a real badass.
krYtHan7: Neither. The Three Amigos comes to mind. We are the Mexicans.
MashBoxG2E: Tropic Days of Thunder Platoon.
Poorie: TROPIC THUNDER! We go full retard.
PorkyKondom ZA: Tropic Thunder obviously.
PottyZA: I’ve never watched Platoon (does that give away how young I am?)… So by default I’d go with Tropic Thunder.
Rooiwraak: Tropic thunder.
SauRon: Tropic Thunger + A pinch of homosexual = OAP
Sil3nt eck0: We would make Tropic Thunder seem like a serious movie.
Smurf za: Platoon.
spiros za: Tropic Thunder.
StuntZA: Tropic Thunder.
Styx ZA: The Dirty Dozen.
OAP’s music soundtrack for going to war would be?
Bokka1: Two Tribes
FiveStar ZA: Queen – nothing says “we mean business” better than Freddie Mercury.
FizzyDizzy: Who let the dogs out?
krYtHan7: Dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun duuuuuun. Flight of the Valkyries!
MashBoxG2E: If I was a rich girl or Achy Breaky Heart.
Poorie: Teenage dream, Katy Perry.
PorkyKondom ZA: Hmm….Que Sera Sera
PottyZA: Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody.
Rooiwraak: Zippady dooda…
SauRon: This means War – Ozzy + Busta Rhymes
Sil3nt eck0: http://heyyeyaaeyaaaeyaeyaa.com
Smurf za: The Pink Panther theme song would summarise our war effort perfectly.
spiros za: Rolling Stones – Satisfaction.
StuntZA: I wanna be a Simba Chippy.
Styx ZA: My Milkshake Brings all the boys to the yard.
Is there anything you would like to add before you head off?
FiveStar ZA: So much drinking, so much laughing, so much gaming and so little winning – it’s like we were all meant to be together.
FizzyDizzy: Nah, I rate I wasted enough time at work already.
krYtHan7: It’s not a dress.
MashBoxG2E: OAP has a dynamic humourous group of individuals who are not only in it to game but to get to know a bit more about the people and enrich the lives of those around them. We also seem to have a lot of homo erotic thoughts that we care to share with one another. It’s a beautiful place to be.
Poorie: Collectively we might never win a competitive gaming event, but OAP is the best group of guys you could ever meet, and I’m glad to be part of the clan.
PorkyKondom ZA: Nope.
PottyZA: I think this is the part where I add “not sure”, or “…” to finish it off, but where’s the fun in that?
Rooiwraak: God bless the United States of OAP land…
SauRon: I hope to get old with these okes so we can sit on the stoep and shout “get off our collective lawns” at the young’uns.
Sil3nt eck0: We are OAP and we are coming for your grandmothers. No, but seriously, OAP is a great group of people to be associated with. I think I speak for everyone when I say I would want to be anywhere else.
Smurf za: OAP is actually not a gaming clan but more group of individuals with gaming as a common interest and not a first priority (for most). That is the one big thing that differentiates us from the rest.
spiros za: I like bacon even though I don’t eat pork!
Styx ZA: Lol you said head.
Some members of the clan chose not to answer the questions, but we suspect it’s because they’re afraid of saying something provocative and causing another incident similar to the ’09 pillow biting debacle at the old age asylum.
You can find us on WhatsApp, but we won’t let you into the group, as we fear you might be scarred for life. We have a clan website which hasn’t been updated for ages. Our best Youtube footage involves a pink car careening off into seven other cars. Or you can join us in our chat on the Xbox SA Community Forums – the only place that seems to actually tolerate us all…
OAP is made up of these fine individuals:
|BlakSunX (now based in Australia… mate)||Lee|
|bypr0duct (temporarily in Japan)||Roger|
|N0MAN kaapie (M.I.A. Someone please send him a ‘nade with our love)||Faizel|
|krYtHan7 (also in Japan)||Eugene|
|xPEPPER nFDR ZA||Jan|
|xPROTON nFDR ZA||Charl|
|xPYTHON nFDR ZA||Michael|
Please go and read up on the rest of the clans we’ve covered. Without the support of the community, the community would be dead.
If you are keen to feature in this column in the future, please feel free to contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll think about – after you’ve sent us a sample of your braaaaaaiiiiinnnnsss.